let the punishment fit the crime

Is there any sibling rivalry in your house? All of us experience it at some point. We’re either ultra competitive or we are just simply living with people who are so like us while being so unlike us at the same time. And honestly, some of us just like to push buttons. 

When my kids were toddlers, I heard one of the best pieces of advice for discipline. “Let the punishment fit the crime.” We have lived by that in our house and use it even now as they are young adults. It still works.

Several years ago while in elementary school, two of our kids, Eli and Jael, had an especially volatile day. They just couldn’t agree and work together on anything. Everything was a competition and a fight. They couldn’t even do simple tasks like cleaning up the dinner dishes without an argument about who should do which part. It was so annoying. 

I could feel my own frustration rising but quickly remembered the words of wisdom that I had relied on for so many years. Let the punishment fit the crime. They didn’t like each other too much that day and neither wanted to load the dishwasher. So, they lost their chance to choose their jobs for kitchen clean-up. 

Mortified, Eli and Jael received their punishment. Together, they would load the dishwasher. Doesn’t sound like much of a punishment, right? There was one catch. Each of them could only use one hand and work together because their other hand was occupied. They had to hold hands the whole time. 

The crime: Not loading the dishwasher and not getting along.

The punishment: Loading the dishwasher while holding hands.

They have never forgotten this punishment and remind me of it regularly. It was one of the worst and most memorable for them. And personally, one of my all time favorites. It was a Mom win right there. 

The Guilty Party: Eli and Jael

I’m reading through the Old Testament like a storybook right now. Not digging in too much, but enjoying the literature, style and message of each author. Last night, I read through the book of Esther which I’ve done many times before and saw how Haman’s punishment fit his crime as he was impaled on a pole that he intended to use to kill Queen Esther’s Uncle Mordecai. (Esther 7)

But I saw something else too. 

When Haman entered, the king asked him, “What should be done for the man the king delights to honor?” Now Haman thought to himself, “Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?” So he answered the king, “For the man the king delights to honor, have them bring a royal robe the king has worn and a horse the king has ridden, one with a royal crest placed on its head. Then let the robe and horse be entrusted to one of the king’s most noble princes. Let them robe the man the king delights to honor, and lead him on the horse through the city streets, proclaiming before him, ‘This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!’” “Go at once,” the king commanded Haman. “Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested for Mordecai the Jew, who sits at the king’s gate. Do not neglect anything you have recommended.” - Esther 6:6-10

Ultimately King Xerxes let Haman’s punishment fit his crime, but he also let Mordecai’s reward fit the good he had done. Mordecai had saved the life of the king and then was honored like a king.  The reward fit the good. 

Loading the dishwasher while holding hands will be a story that lasts for generations in our family. I’m sure that you have stories of discipline that will do the same. As parents, we can be really great at discipline but like King Xerxes, let’s also be great at rewards to fit the good. At all ages, our kids often carry the weight of being good to their parents, while providing for their families and still growing themselves.

Now that my kids are young adults, I plan to create more stories that will be handed down for generations. Ones of how we gave our kids a reward for good, not because they expected it, but because we could honor who they have become. I hope you do the same.

Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,

Jody