Dependence Comes First And Always

What a celebration! It may look different this year, but we gather this weekend with food, fireworks, friends, and family to honor the very beginning of our country. 

The thirteen American colonies became independent states united together but no longer under British rule. In order to achieve that independence, we had to believe it was possible to exist without the help of a long established country to support us. We would be self governing and self reliant. Moving forward on our own and responsible to no one. Isn’t that how independence works?

No, it really isn’t. 

We all know that you can’t be independent without first being dependent on someone or something. It is in that space where you grow and learn so that you can be self-sufficient. Bryce and I take our responsibility as parents very seriously. We want our children to not only be responsible adults but also to be kind, loving, and helpful. 

I remember our son, Eli, as a two year old.  He was adorable, but he needed help with everything. He even got his head stuck between a couch and a wall. How does that even happen? I remember that moment well as he yelled, “Me ‘tuck! Me ‘tuck!” over and over again until we released him from his self imposed captivity. But he needed us. All our kids did at that stage. As they scrambled all around the house, we had to feed, protect and care for them or they wouldn’t survive. They were dependent on us for the basic necessities of life but they also needed our consistent teaching to learn how to become self-sufficient. We experienced daily what it felt like to have someone depend on us. It was exhausting. 

Even if you don’t have kids, I’m sure you have experienced this with someone in your life. We did with Grandma. She was dependent on us while we lived with her for the last 7 years of her life. And you know what, our kids needed their Grandma Great too. She showed them what it meant to age with dignity and taught them how to lovingly respect others. Grandma loved holidays and especially Independence Day when she could admire our flag. 

Grandma’s 97th Fourth of July

And even now while we are now parenting young adults, there is an ebb and flow of dependence intertwined with independence. Some days our children need us and some days they don’t. As parents, we help our children get established so they can be independent. But have you ever thought about what it means to be independent? If we are honest with ourselves, we are never fully self-reliant. We would die angry and alone, but that’s not what God created us to be. 

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. - Romans 12:4-5

Paul reminds us in Romans, of the beauty found in our diversity and unity as believers. God created us to be in relationship and rely on each other. If we are seeking to follow God, then our goal is becoming dependent on and interconnected with others, so that we never have to be self-reliant but rather united and using our gifts as we serve Jesus. The struggle to be independent yields isolation. It shouldn’t be the goal. 

Our children depend on us and now we depend on them in many ways. Our son is a workhorse. He has a great work ethic and wants things to be done right the first time. Our oldest daughter brightens our days with her very presence. Her laugh is contagious. Our youngest is our creative powerhouse. She makes us stop and enjoy life through her art. She calls us out when we are being small minded and focusing on life’s tasks rather than relationships and beauty. Bryce and I will always love the freedom of having grown children, but we’ll never run toward gaining back our independence. It’s a lonely place to be. And I hope you’re not there.

Without becoming dependent first, independence can’t exist. We need to understand our independence through our dependence. 

Let’s keep the balance of being joyful in independence - our ability to be secure in who we are -  while creating the space to be dependent and in relationship with our family and friends. It’s through community that we see how God works.  

Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,

Jody