Does Your Phone Love You As Much As Your Family?

Are you on good terms with your phone? You are in a relationship with it. It used to be a device to communicate with someone you couldn’t see. Now, we rely on it for everything. We often allow that small device in our pocket to have power over us. It can interrupt every conversation, distract us from our family, and waste hours, or it can enhance everything we do. We can find our way to a new restaurant, listen to our favorite podcast, or call our parents just to catch up. 

But we have to choose everyday, each hour and minute if our phone will distract us from life or allow us to live it better. 

Our phones won’t remember how important they were to us. But our family’s will and they’ll judge their importance by whether we answer the phone when they call or ignore an incoming call to spend time with them when we are in the same room. 

Sometimes I struggle with how to manage and regulate my phone. If I leave it on the counter, inevitably one of my children or parents will need to reach me. If I keep it with me, I check every buzz only to see another telemarketer trying to get his or her way past my hyper engaged telemarketer avoidance sensor. 

When we lived with Grandma, she never resisted a phone call, but she also wasn’t tied to a cell phone. It was a landline with a faded tan large push button phone attached. As she aged, we added an amplifier that she held up with the receiver just so she could hear the person on the other end. Of course, most of the time she couldn’t really hear them anyway. But Grandma would always comment about the nice woman she talked to on the phone that wanted to sell her a new shiny object. 

One afternoon, Grandma decided to call and close her Sears card. She no longer needed or wanted it. She called but it didn’t work. They couldn’t hear her. Even though I knew the truth -  she couldn’t hear them - I decided it best to not argue. This woman had moved our family into her home. So, I always chose my battles carefully and this was not one of them. 

Grandma insisted that I call. Do you know what happens when you call a credit card company? You have to prove your identity. Here I sat in the living room on a call with Sears and Grandma. It went something like this. 

Sears agent: I can not give you any information. You are not the card holder. 

Me: I know. I am sitting with the card holder. She is hard of hearing.

Sears agent: I’m sorry ma’am. I need to talk to the card holder. 

Me: Ok. But she won’t be able to hear you. 

Sears agent: I must talk to her. 

I yelled to Grandma. “SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU! YOU NEED TO GIVE HER PERMISSION TO TALK TO ME.” I handed Grandma the phone. 

The phone was so loud, I could hear both sides of the conversation. 

Sears agent: I need you to verify your identity. 

Grandma: What? 

Sears agent: I need you to tell me your name. 

Grandma: What? 

Sears agent: Your Name! I need your name!

Grandma finally looked at me in disgust and I screamed. “SHE NEEDS YOUR NAME!” Grandma answered her. This happened over and over with the easy questions. Then the paragraph sized ones came while the Sears agent made her every offer in the book so that she would keep the card. Grandma didn’t want the card!  I thought we would never get off the phone. We changed our communication and there I sat silently writing each answer on a piece of paper for Grandma to repeat into the phone. It was like we were cohorts cheating on a math exam as we both kept from laughing at the awkward scenario that was happening. Finally it was done! I have never been so relieved to hang up a phone in my life. Grandma was satisfied with the results and I could leave the room and laugh about the absurdity of what had just happened. 

When she could hear, Grandma’s phone was proof of friendship and family relations. She stayed connected to the people who would call her. When she couldn’t hear, her world shrank and her phone became utilitarian. It was an object to get what she needed but it teaches us a great lesson about communication. Communication takes time, patience, and a bit of wisdom. Without it, we have communication failures. 

Let’s take time this week to be present for our family without our phones and to actively engage our phone when we need to build relationships with the family outside of our homes. 

If, like me, you need some wisdom and you struggle with your connection to the digital world, I recommend reading Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. I find it a bit dry in the beginning, but push your way through, there is some great information to help you reclaim your time, focus on what matters, and optimize your digital connection to add value to your life. 

Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,

Jody