when it hurts

Today, I’m sitting here avoiding something. I’ve been avoiding it for a couple of weeks now. To everyone else it just looks like a red naugahyde zippered portfolio filled with papers. I haven’t actually opened it up yet, I just know it has papers inside. But I’m avoiding it. My family hasn’t noticed me look toward the windowsill and then look away deciding not to touch it. I haven’t been ready. Staying away is easier. 

Isn’t it safer for us to avoid things we don’t like or challenges that are too hard? We sit down to dinner at a friend’s house and easily navigate a polite way around those onions in the stew or the green bean casserole. In comparison with life’s challenges that seems pretty easy. We go out of our way to walk the long way to our office to avoid talking to our hyper engaged coworker. We push our hard life experiences as far into the forgettable past as we can - rarely bringing them up in conversation. Out of necessity, we carefully balance whether we leave our past behind us or engage it. Rightfully, some of the things we avoid are best left alone. 

That’s how I’ve felt about this red naugahyde zippered portfolio. I’ve been waiting for the right time to open it because I know what it has inside. And before I close this post, I’ll look inside and share some of it with you. But the problem is that I know what is inside. That unassuming portfolio is filled with a broken heart. And pain. But also love. And as soon as I open it, it will be filled with my tears. That’s why I’ve been avoiding it. It holds the letters that my late mother-in-law, Mary, wrote to her husband, Bud, after he passed away. Ironically, the red naugahyde portfolio used to contain them is from the same funeral home that buried them both. And maybe even more ironic is the day I’ve chosen to be ready to read them is the one day a year that is most important to me. It’s the first day of Pennsylvania whitetail deer season and has been a sacred holiday in our family for years. Why it is so important to me will be a story for another time. 

It is so much easier to avoid the hard things. Ignoring those painful memories of loss just to appear unencumbered throughout the day is what we usually aim to do. But whether it has been losing a home, a job, a loved one, or some other challenge in life, you know the feeling when you stop avoiding and engage the emotional pain - your chest tightens and your heart races, It hurts. It’s so much simpler to avoid the pain. It’s easier, but is it better? 

Naugahyde Portfolio And Notebook

That red lettered zippered portfolio is now open. And with it the tears have come. My mother-in-law loved my father-in-law so much. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of tears that are already on these notebook pages. Each one is a dated letter to her husband starting ten months after he died. There are accounts of Mary’s children and grandchildren. There are writings that define her faith and who she was. There are intimate love notes. And there are reflections of family character being passed on like this one. “I thank God for the two wonderful sons you helped me raise. They are wonderful husbands and fathers, just like you. They had a good role model.”

Five years later, Mary shared these words with her grief group. 

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength - Phillipians 4:13

These are the words that Paul wrote as he was finishing his letter to the church in Philippi. Almost two thousand years later, these are the same words that helped a hurting widow as she grieved. They are words we need to remember when it is time for us to stop avoiding the hard times and challenges in our lives. God gives us the strength that we need when we embrace difficult times. But he also lets us see the beauty.

If I never opened the red naugahyde portfolio zipper, I would have never experienced this beautiful picture of who my mother-in-law was. But be careful, it’s hard. For me, I’ve closed the zipper on that red naugahyde portfolio. I’ll open it again another day when I’m ready. Walking through difficult circumstances with our family gives us amazing stories and history, but if you have experienced loss, take your time. Embrace what’s hard. Don’t avoid the emotions. Just take it slow so you can appreciate the beauty that you find. 

Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,

Jody