do you have eyes in the back of your head?
Do you have eyes in the back of your head? Ever wish you did? I do. Somedays, I look at my kids, snap my fingers and say, “I see everything!” - a la George Costanza. Other days, I’m completely oblivious. And my kids know it.
It’s on those unobservant, unaware days when I am so focused on others, work, or daily chores that I hope my kids bring their best - that they are kind, loving, and well mannered. You know “perfect angels.” I’m sure that you have hoped that for your children too.
And those perfect kids are exactly what I experienced years ago. I stood at the clothes dryer in our kitchen multitasking. Across the kitchen but easily within my sight stood two of my angelic children, Eli and Tziporah. Big brother Eli was 9 years-old and stood right next to his 5 year-old little sister. I can’t remember what our conversation was, but I’d guess it was probably me asking about their day or helping them understand each other better. Because I’m a mom and that’s what we find ourselves doing a lot - listening and teaching.
It was an easy conversation and they stood attentive as we talked. I’d lean my head into the dryer, pull out something to fold, look and talk to them. And repeat - head in dryer, clothes out of dryer, look and talk. Everytime I looked up from the dryer, my children were in the same position. They stood side by side for the conversation. Boring, right? Just what I hoped for, right?
But hoping for something doesn’t always make it happen. And that day, I quite literally needed eyes in the back of my head. With my head stuck in the dryer for the umpteenth time, my justice loving son yelled, “Mom! Are you not seeing this?” Clearly, the answer was no. No, I was not seeing it. So, I whipped my head around to catch Tziporah punching her brother repeatedly in the stomach and then quickly standing back at attention as if nothing had happened. She had done it every time I looked away and Eli finally had enough. He had hoped for justice and when I finally saw what he experienced, I made that hope happen and corrected Tziporah.
Our hope informs our values and our values show us what to hope for. That’s what happened for Eli and Tziporah. Eli hoped for justice. He values doing the right thing and wants there to be consequences for wrong doing. Unlike Tziporah, who values antagonizing her brother which allowed her to hope she could push buttons without being caught!
For any enneagram lovers, you are already trying to align my kids with their correct enneagram number. And your guesses are probably correct. If you haven’t heard of this personality test I find Ian Morgan Cron to be a good resource and his book, The Road Back To You, as a great introduction to personality types.
A personality test is never perfect, but our family found the enneagram to be a helpful way to understand each other better and gave us a fun way to get a glimpse into what our family members value.
And what we value will give us hope.
Do you remember being a kid? Every kid has hope. I did. I know you did too. Maybe you wanted to grow up to be a writer, musician, teacher, nurse, or accountant. Maybe you hoped to be a mom, dad, or the world’s best aunt. But you had hope. And your kids have that hope too. Even my little button pusher wanted to grow up and be a veterinarian.
Tziporah And Goatee
When we have hope, the absolute expectation that something good will come, our values show that hope. I want to be an amazing mom so I value spending time with my kids, listening to them and observing other moms who have done it well.
But the reverse is also true. What we value will give us hope. If we value keeping others safe, we hope to be the best firefighter or policeman that we can be. If we value education, we hope to become a certified educator or hope to get back in the classroom soon. If we value our family, we hope to make them a dinner that tastes great or spend time with them.
What has changed for you over the last several weeks? Are your kids now home? Are you trapped inside looking for something to do? Are you missing your favorite food? What is different?
What do you hope will change? Is it realistic? Be careful. Don’t combine hope and fear. It will lead to paralysis. And people paralyzed by fear can never fully experience hope and see all the good things it brings.
But let’s look at our values. And take a few minutes to search deep inside to let those values show us how to hope. And don’t forget to help your family do the same. Take the time to build a legacy of hope that your family can look back on for generations. Write it down and make hope happen.
Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,
Jody