the sliding scale of loss

Have you ever experienced grief? You are right now. We’ve all lost our ability to be with people we love. And at best, we see them but can’t hug them and be near them unless extreme precautions are taken to avoid passing a virus that is hurting so many people. 

Just this morning, our family experienced this social distancing dance when my parents stopped by for a quick visit. It reminded me of two magnets who are repelling each other and always keeping a distance. We stayed outside our house and everyone kept six feet apart except for the cats who could never allow for that much personal space! We talked. We laughed. But we couldn’t hug goodbye like we normally do. We made the best of it with air hugs and blowing kisses followed by giggles at the absurdity of it all. We allowed ourselves to let laughter lighten the moment. 

Why? Because loss is hard. 

We all experience it. And oftentimes, it is a family event. Even a small, seemingly inconsequential loss can have an impact. That is what happened for us several years ago.

The farm cats that didn’t understand social distancing this morning in our backyard haven’t always been around. In fact, these cats have one single Russian Blue named Melvin to thank for their cushy farm cat lifestyle. 

My husband, Bryce, being very allergic to cat dander, is not a fan of cats. But we had a friend who was moving and needed a good home for her cat. All three Flurie women in the house pleaded our case to Bryce. We would only keep him outside and he would help with mice. What trouble could he really be? We were very convincing! Against all odds, Melvin came to the farm. 

Bryce and Melvin, April 2010

It didn’t take Melvin long to win our hearts. All of them - even Bryce. He was a beautiful, good natured cat, who kept the mouse and vole population at bay. He was faithful and showed up on the front porch a few times a day to be fed and loved. Until one day he didn’t. 

If you have ever lost a family animal, you know what this feels like. There were so many tears. Melvin was gone. We had started through the stages of grief. We were shocked, he was gone. Could it really be true? We made so many excuses.

The next day, we found Melvin on the road. He had been hit by a car. But the denial continued and the bargaining began. Our son, who was very attached to his first pet, even went down the road and analyzed the flattened cat. He came back  with a very detailed explanation and to report that in his opinion it wasn’t Melvin. 

Whether it was Melvin or not, nothing changed. Melvin was still gone. We had lost him and this was a significant loss to work through with our young family. There were many tears and we drew together as a family to get through this. 

As the grief cycle started to spiral out of control for our kids and the loss of their first pet intensified, the unimaginable happened. Just like Jesus, Melvin rose again on the third day! He came back. Of course, he didn’t rise again. Unbeknownst to us, Melvin had been trapped inside a car we were selling. The door was opened on the third day and he was free! Oh, there was great rejoicing! So much happiness and joy! Life was back to normal and it was good. 

Melvin had a good life on the farm, but it didn’t last forever. Years later, standing in the security line at the Nairobi airport, I received a call from Bryce. Melvin had been sick and died in his sleep. There was no less mourning than when he “died” the first time. But now, Bryce, who was sad himself, was alone with three very upset kids. This time it was for real. And the stages of grief started again. 

If you don’t know them, this is a list of the stages I’ve found. 

• Shock & Denial

• Anger & Guilt

• Bargaining

• Despair & Depression

• Acceptance

Grief isn’t linear. And it isn’t just a result of death. Grief can happen with any loss. And just like we say that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. The same is true of loss. What one person deems as insignificant, another may experience as a deep and horrific loss. 

When we lost Melvin for real, the kids, especially our son, had intense grief. When acceptance finally came, he didn’t want more cats. But we got more cats, because we like cats. They are entertaining, feisty, and much needed mouse killers. And we knew that getting more cats was a simple solution to aiding the grief process. After several years, our son now has a couple cats he really loves. 

But more cats isn’t the simple answer for all our loss, is it? But I know what is. 

Spiritual discipline. The current world health crisis distracted us. It pulled us from physically being together as the body of Christ, gave us the volatility of a scarcity mindset, and changed everything we know as normal. 

Whatever practices you had in place for connecting with God have been disrupted. And not only for you, but for your children. And now, we have to start again. We have to find practical ways to connect with God amidst a new routine as we keep an eye on our kids. They may need help processing their grief over what they have lost. 

But don’t forget about yourself. Give yourself an extra measure of grace. You don’t have to get everything right and be a superhero for everyone. You just need to lean into creating new ways to connect with God. And keep it simple. 

• Wake up everyday and pray a one sentence prayer for each of your children and for your mindset for the day. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6 NIV

• Stay in the shower five more minutes and tell God how you’re thankful.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. - 1 Chronicles 16:34 NIV

• Sing. Loud. Your family might be bothered, but God doesn’t care if you are off key as you praise him. It is a matter for your heart. 

This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. - Psalms 118:24 NLT

• Tell your kids why you need to be silent for a few minutes. And then be silent. 

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” - Psalm 46:10 NLT

Recognizing our need for grace as we grieve what is lost, allowing our children the space to do the same, and finding a new normal is enough. While we are managing all of this, our simple acts of worship will still honor God. 

Searching for wisdom and asking for grace,

Jody